Me and My "Pain-Body"

I'm reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I am having many reactions to it (most of which I'll probably share in another post), but I wanted to leave a short message about one passage which seems to relate to me. In working on myself and finding ways to keep me "out of jail", I have all this energy motivating me to be "busy being born"! I am working on about 5 or 6 really exciting projects. A tool called Quickbooks Customer Manager is facilitating this work. This passsage speaks to that shift:

When you don't identify with it, the pain-body [or "jackal" energy] can no longer control your thinking and so cannot renew itself anymore by feeding on your thoughts. The pain-body in most cases does not dissolve immediately, but once you have severed the link between it and your thinking, the pain-body begins to lose energy...The energy that was trapped in the pain-body then changes its vibrational frequency and is transmuted into Presence. In this way, the pain-body becomes fuel for consciousness. This is why many of the wisest, most enlightened men and women on our planet once had a heavy-pain body.

I am certainly not saying that I am one of the "most enlightened men" on the planet, but I am experienced the surge of energy that comes when you release yourself from "jackal thinking and behaving" or, using Tolle's lexicon, stop identifying with the pain-body. Very cool!

Jail-Breaking Lexicon: Reaching In

Tonight I was describing the events of the last two weeks to the guys in my Men's Group. I talked about the "shift" that happened during my trip to Colorado (see previous post). As I shared the elements that stimulated the shift I found myself saying that one key was my ability to...connect with myself when I feel rotten...to be in self-acceptance in that moment...to pass through the shame-fire to touch my heart...to "reach in". To reach in.

To reach in.

Wow! I was excited to hit on this term because I want images that help me connect with myself. I really like the picture of taking an open hand and reaching into my heart to reestablish a connection with myself.

To reach in

My heart is black
Hard as stone
Vital as ash
Dead as the cat
I saw today in the street

It's delicate chest ripped open
Fur crimson-stained by its lifeblood
Shed on broken asphalt
Teeth bared in a ghoulish smirk
Mirroring my grief

You can't reach what has no life
Death comes to me with some frequency
I shut down to save myself
A protective part tries to keep me alive
By numbing my senses to the hurting

How can you expect to touch a black heart
Wrapped so fiercely around itself
That it cannot feel
It is beyond pain's reach
Shackled in a despair beyond tears

To reach in is a heroic act
To caress the charred heart
Seeing only a pinkish, life-giving muscle
Understanding that, underneath the scars,
It is still beating

Looking at a "Jail-Break" with an explorer's eyes

Hello. I have had an interesting month. Some ups and some downs. Some visits to my jail and some enriching experiences of "breaking out". My latest journey happened in Colorado during a visit to see my father. During the first four days of my visit, I was "down". My energy was very low, I wasn't interested in much of anything, I was self-conscious and just not enjoying myself.

On the fifth day of the trip, I shifted. Why did I shift? There were several reasons that I identified and have tried to memorialize:
1) Healing environment. On the fifth day of my visit, my father and I went to my dad's cabin in the mountains. I have spend many, many days there throughout my life. It is a very natural setting that meets my needs for freedom, connection to nature, and peacefulness. I tend to feel lighter and more alert when I am there. I think this "energy" helped me make my shift. In Denver we watched a lot of sports on TV and our connection time was limited.
2) Reaching out. In this new environment, away from the "big city", I decided to reach out to my father. I intentionally asked him how he was doing and what his future plans were. I empathized with where he was and eventually shared more about my psychological state. This process met my need for connection with my father and helped me connect with myself. Once I started feeling better, I was energized to do some work.
3) Contribution and Work. After talking to my dad, I spend about 1.5 hours working to develop a training that I did last Monday. My energy was high and I came up with several new ideas that went over very well at the training. The next day my dad and worked on the road to the cabin. I sweated, I moved dirt, and I felt great!

I am very grateful to say that I have kept the connection to myself since I returned and I have not returned to my jail.

I wanted to share what I wrote in my journal the morning after my shift:

"7/8
Would like to maintain my stability -- feeling good. I want the skill to reconnect after a "separation". I don't really like this language.

I am one person with one consciousness. I want integration between the parts that sometimes seem "separate". I like the idea of the internal "father" who is aware that different parts of me have different levels of needs. That negotiation and dialogue are tools that honor these differences and lead to harmony.

Total self-acceptance. Moving into shame to find gold. Inviting the child energy in. Loving the child -- integrating it into the family.

At times my needs overwhelm me as I long to protect. I get defensive. My needs are darts that threaten to wound. My needs don't seem like gifts because I am hopeless about meeting them.

The shift from protection to learning, from judgment to exploration, from internal domination to internal partnership. This is the shift that I want to "perfect". As I think and write these words, I am concerned that I create a demand within myself -- to be "perfect", to do it "or else", to develop skills them apply them well all the time.

I seem to 'set myself up' by letting up on the 'accelerator' for a moment by accepting myself (or seeming to) and working on a new skill then letting my lead foot fall as I try to apply that skill.

I want to become "progressively less stupid" rather than be perfect. I like the idea of holding lightly to the skills and not attaching to the outcomes. This seems to resonate -- I get 'hooked' on outcomes instead of staying in the process. How interesting...If I don't 'feel good' -- I must be doing something wrong.

This thinking seems more habitual then I'd like. I see that it's a part of me that is very connected to the inner child and the ways of being I learned early on.

"Worth = outcome". If I can do "X" (X being making friends, making love, having a job, etc.) , then I have value. I see that I long for stability and security of a consistent sense of self-worth.

A confidence that this worth is not dependent on ACTIONS. I want to believe that I have unlearned "Worth=outcome". Part of me has -- my cortex and thinking mind can explain my new belief system...Needs and feelings...Stay in touch and move with the energy.

What about my emotional mind? What about the part of me that I can't "explain away" with ease. This part of me seems "bound" by another logic: WORTH = OUTCOME. If I don't have the outcome, I've done something "wrong" and I "should" pay for it.

Wow! This emotional reasoning is part of why the child gets upset and takes over. The child wants to be and for that be okay. The child doesn't have the skills to be doing - it resides in that LIMBIC BRAIN that is not always "reasonable". Thinking my way out of trouble doesn't seem to work.

There is a part of me that exists in my IMPLICIT MEMORY that holds values I would like to change. I keep "bumping up" against them and getting "stuck". I'm not sure how to change these IMPLICIT VALUES (Jackal values), but I am award that judgment keeps my stuck."

----

I recently re-read a book called "A General Theory of Love" that talks about the Limbic Brain and Implicit and Explicit Memory. In short, the authors posit that how we love is a function of our "implicit memory system" over which we don't have "cognitive control". In other words, it can't be changed via the processes happening in our neocortex -- thinking, analyzing or learning new information. It can only be altered through our relationships to others like therapist and lovers.

One insight that my latest "shift" and this book provides is that I can be overwhelmed by the shift from my "chosen" (neocortical) worldview and the "implicit" (limbic) one. These worldviews are very different and this difference sometimes makes it difficult for me to respond when I find myself in unfamiliar territory. By understanding how stark these differences are I hope to be better able to integrate them effectively. This integration will allow me to meet my need for internal stability and partnership in the moment. In other words, this insight will help me deftly "break out of my jail". I am very clear that the medium of integration is my internal use of NVC to "relate" to myself at all times. :)

Giraffe Dancing to find the "Secret"

Here I'd like to share excerpts from the internal giraffe dance that led to today's "rebirth" (i.e. my process of meeting my need for self-connection, self-acceptance, understanding, and clarity).This exchange happened after about 45 minutes of empathy. (Note that in this "dance" the partners shift back and forth from empathy to honesty.)

Dancer #1: I am afraid because I don’t know if I have the energy to do the things that I want to do. I am so concerned that I get in over my head and make commitments and promises and then this process of shame overtakes me. Then I drift in shame and flow to places where I shut it all down.

Dancer #2: Are you afraid because you are wanting contribution?

#1: Yes, there are so many things I want to do. There are so many things that I have the skills to do. If I always get stuck like this, how can I live? How can I contribute?

#2 (sharing honesty): It’s important for me to say that we are in the process of connecting right now. I really want to value that we are connecting now and for me this meets my need for self-acceptance and gives me confidence that we can stay connected. Does that make sense?

#1: I hear appreciation for what we are doing now and trust that we can keep this connection alive.

#2: Yes, I want a consciousness that we can RETURN TO THE HEART at any point. We can return to the lifeblood of existence at any point.

#1 (shifting to honesty): But we have been in the ocean of shame...The womb of shame for so long. I don’t think I have the trust that we can get out at any time. It seems to take some much effort to do that. So much energy. So much presence. I’m not trusting that we can do that.

#2 (back in empathy): Are you needing reassurance that we can work to accept all parts of yourself?

#1: Yes, I feel SO MUCH better right now. We’re been doing this for more than an hour. It just seems to take SO MUCH effort to make these connections. I guess I want it to be easier. I want trust that we can do this without suffering through 2 weeks of overwhelm each time.

#2: I hear a desire for an easier way to connect and concerns because you are wanting caring and responsiveness to our internal pain.

#1: Yes, I have suffered enough! Do we always have to wait until the weight is so heavy that I can’t bear it anymore? Do we always have to suffer and suffer before we can connect.

#2: I hear a lot of disappointment and regret. It sounds like you want confidence that we can stay connected without experiencing as much pain as we did this time.

#1: Yes, I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of all the suffering. I want to explore ways to connect when the pain begins or in the middle – as soon as possible.

#2: I hear that you want to work on strategies to make life easier.

#1: Yes, I see the paradox that the practiced, short-term strategies to meet the need for ease leads to long-term pain because they are about avoidance and not connection. It’s about fear and not learning. It’s about hiding and not being present. It’s about death and not resurrection. I want to be confident that I can resurrect myself from the shame at any point. I so much want this. This is the secret to life. This is the consciousness that allows my heart to keep beating.

#2: Are you feeling excited because your need for direction is met? I hear that you are confident that a consciousness of learning and connection will lead to greater happiness.

#1: Oh god, yes. I want to shout it from the mountaintop! I want to accept myself. I want to stay connected to my heart no matter what is happening around me. I want to go into the shame and find that it isn’t so bad. I want to flow in this world and not be stuck inside myself. I want the freedom to go outside. To connect with life.

#2: I hear excitement about this new thought. That connecting with all parts of yourself is living. I hear a longing for this consciousness to permeate your being.

--------

I want to emphasize this insight:

"I see the paradox that the practiced, short-term strategies to meet the need for ease leads to long-term pain because its about avoidance and not connection. It’s about fear and not learning. It’s about hiding and not being present. It’s about death and not resurrection. I want to be confident that I can resurrect myself from the shame at any point. I so much want this. This is the secret to life. This is the consciousness that allows my heart to keep beating."

It's not a secret any longer. I keep discovering it as I stay present to myself. The process of re-connecting to myself is the process of living. It is the material process of being born again into this life.

I want to brainstorm strategies to keep this connection in the moment:

• Shift to an intention of learning or partnership. This is the first step! The "shame" concept and language keeps me in protection. Making this slight shift in consciousness is what I did when I woke up this morning. To paraphrase Robert Frost: This shift of intention is the choice to take the road to my heart -- "the one less traveled by". This choice will "make all the difference". Ultimately, I believe this decision to be in a learning mode will make the path "less traveled by" into a well-worn (and less frightening) thoroughfare toward self-connection and self-acceptance.
• Empathize (start the dialogue) by asking: "What am I feeling and needing?" Go with the energy that you sense and provide the fuel for continued dialogue.
• Other strategies:
  * Take a walk
  * Turn off the computer
  * Call one of the many friends that would enjoy supporting me
  * Play the guitar
  * Play with the cat
• The options are endless. I'm seeing that the first step is the one that determines the path -- The step into an intention of learning!

Whew! I'm satisfied and tired. I'm going to stop here :)

Busy Being Born, Again!

I have just broken out of jail, again! I am celebrating this return to self-acceptance and connection. I have spent the last two hours in gentle, loving (and tearful) connection to myself. For the last couple of weeks I have been practicing "patterns of avoidance" (computer games, dvd's, daydreams) to protect myself. To protect myself from what? Is it shame? Is it fear of failure? Is it a jackal pack that I fear will tear me to shreds?

Why do I find it difficult to pull myself out of this place? This is the $64,000 question that I created this blog to explore. One reason that it is "difficult" to change my internal course is revealed in the language I choose to describe this process. Using the term "this place" reveals how I judge "this place" as a place separate from the "rest" of me. I judge it as a "mire" -- as a "dark place" that's hard to get out of. I have chosen the term "jail" as the title of this blog! Jails are made to keep people in.

This use of language keeps me from connecting with my feelings and needs. It keeps my internal jackals barking out morsels like "I shouldn't be here" and "I'm here again, crap!" and "Damn, I'm a failure for getting locked up again!" when I really want to be learning from myself and finding ways to exercise the other title of this blog: Busy Being Born. Wow! That's an insight.

I want to shift the conversation from how to "break out of jail" which brings up fear and overwhelm to how to be "busy being born" which speaks of learning, creativity, and growth. I really like the idea of finding ways to be "reborn" when I identify unmet needs for self-connection and self-acceptance. Here is an alternative question that I might ask myself at these times: What am I feeling and needing?

Yes, I have taken the path back to the root of NVC. What are the feelings and needs present for me in the moment? Answering this question means to take steps into the darkness of my shame while bearing the torch (flashlight -- LED-powered?) of truth, clarity, and compassion. Being present to the energy that I'm experiencing is the path that leads to self-acceptance!

Wow, I feel energized when I re-read what I've written. It meets my needs for understanding and inspiration. I want to recommit to find ways to be reborn in the moment (See next blog entry :)

Jail-Break Celebration: Open Mic

Yesterday I participated in a "telecourse" about building community. The instructor was a woman who works with with a Bay-area NVC organization that is doing great work sharing NVC with others. She shared several "norms" that have helped guide her work in creating sustainable NVC communities.

One of her norms was that the consciousness that celebration is the juice that keeps us motivated. She suggested that we start every meeting with a time of celebration as a means to focus on the beauty of life as it is. She talked about a walk she had with Marshall Rosenberg (the founder of NVC) where she asked him how to stay in a consciousness of NVC at all times. He suggested she try to have an "attitude of gratitude" (She later learned that he had 'borrowed' this term from AA.) Marshall suggested that she use a journal to record this gratitude to allow her attention to be focused on it.

I'm grateful for the work I have done and am doing to stay connected to myself (and break out of my "jail" when I lose this connection). This work has freed up an immense amount of energy allowing me to do things that I haven't done in the past -- think seriously about my future including focusing on a new business, get more serious about dating, and look at moving into a new home. I am celebrating my willingness to connect with the parts of me that I haven't connected with in the past.

Last night I went to an "open mic" to play my original songs. I have done this in the past (see Tuesday, February 26, 2008 A New Adventure: A New Me! ). As I listened to a young woman belt out a song, I saw myself drifting into my familiar jail. Playing the guitar in front of others "triggers" many unmet needs for me. When I am able to connect with those needs, I retain my capacity to act to meet them. When I am unable to make that connection, I tend to slide into the jail and find ways to pass the time without being in tune with myself (computer games, daydreams, or surfing the web are common strategies). It's the same story I have been living for many years and I'm tired of it. This "tiredness" motivates me to stay connected to myself.

I'm learning what the emotional indicators or "red flags" are that tell me that I'm moving into a "shame-place" or "jail". In this case, I "felt" a dark cloud falling over me...I felt afraid as the automatic jackal thoughts started flowing into my head. Conscious of the "slide" into jail ("Don't pass go, don't collect $100!"), I got out my new journal and started to write. Here's what I wrote as I listened to the young woman's song:

Jail-bound Dave (J-b): She's so good. Soo much better than me. Geez! What am I doing here?

Empathetic Self (ES) (starting with a little honesty with empathy): I hear comparison jackals -- you want contribution and competence.

J-b: Yes, I want to enterain people. If I "suck", I won't entertain anyone. Right?

ES: I hear a desire to help people have an experience of joy and connection.

J-b: Yes, what's the point if I just do it for myself? If I just do it for me and the cat. Geez!

ES: I hear a clear need to enrich other's lives. (Shifting into honesty) I'm concerned when I hear your words about the value of playing for you and your cat. I see that needs for expression and creativity and "life" are met by these actions. I'd like to hear your reaction to this.

J-b: Well, I agree. There are needs met by playing to me and my cat. BUT I want to meet needs of CONNECTION, CONTRIBUTION, and COMPETENCE. These depend on feedback from others.

ES (back in empathy): I hear that your desire is to contribute to others. This is a clear need beyond what you can meet by playing guitar at home.

J-b (with clarity): Yes, I really want to meet that need by playing guitar and singing!

ES (in honesty with a clear request): I'm concerned because I value flexibility and creativity. How do you feel when you hear this?

J-b: I want to be flexible. I share that value. I think I am willing to be "somewhat attached" to the strategy of guitar/singing as a means to meet a need for contribution, competence, and connection!

ES: I hear clarity on this strategy. I hear that you are excited because you see the potential of meeting that need throught this approach.

J-b: I'm gonna do it!

I felt relaxed because my need for empathy and self-connection were met! This inner "connectedness" gave me a peace and presence that I don't remember having at previous open mics. I played three songs at the open mic: "Bot's Dots" -- about the raised ceramic lane-markers on California Roads, "What's her Name?" -- a fun song about the challenge of getting to know a woman's name in a dating setting, and "1000 Football Games" -- social commentary about football. I really enjoyed sharing the songs because I met needs for competence, contribution, and connection. I talked to a few people afterwards and received some "constructive criticism". I want to go back next week!

-------

Reflections

• I was able to get "back on track" with about 5 minutes of self-empathy! Yeah!
• One of my goals is make the "jail break" sooner rather than later. I am very grateful that I am more conscious of times when I start going to "jail" and more able to make the connections to myself that get me "back on track".
• This dialogue included a mix of empathy and honesty. I have see more internal willingness to go into honesty earlier. I think there is more internal trust about my motives which allows me to be more "direct" with my honesty.
• I want to stay present to myself as I continue to play guitar for others. This is a ripe area for growth and self-acceptance.

"Cellies" Series Part 1: The Certainty Jackal

This is the first in a series of blog enteries about the "entities" that I find in my jail. These are the energy beings or "constructs" or ways of being/thinking/behaving that can keep me imprisoned. By highlighting their features and the needs that they meet, I hope to elucidate ways that I am able to remove myself from their "grasp" and break out of jail.

About the term "Cellies": I volunteered for several months in the 1990s with a program that asked me to spend time with an inmate at a local prison. Between our games of dominos (he alwasy won), our talk about the three-strikes law (he had two), and his requests for 'pretty girls'' phone numbers (I'd always change the subject) he would tell me about the guys that shared his cell. He called them "cellies". Some used drugs. Others were "rats". Others were "racist". Still others didn't do anything. It became clear to me that this inmate's "cellies" had a big impact on his energy and his attitude. It's the same way on the "outside". The people (or energy beings) that you are around help determine your attitude and your ability to "be" in the world in a certain way.

The "cellie" that I ran into yesterday was the "Certainty Jackal". In NVC the "jackal" is the symbol for thinking that may lead to violence. Violence includes more that just physical force. Here's a definition of what violence means in NVC from the NVC Academy Website:

Most people refer to violence as physically trying to hurt another. In the NVC process we also consider violence to be any use of power over people, or trying to coerce people into doing things. That would include any use of motivating others by fear of punishment and promise of reward, or any use of guilt, shame, duty or obligation. Violence in this larger sense is defined as any use of force (verbal or physical) to get people to do things, or any system that includes structures that support this “power-over” paradigm.

The "Certainty Jackal" whispered these words in my ear: "Don't do it if there is risk", "Don't move", "It's bound to fail", and "Unless you are certain of success, don't start it". The "it" can be absolutely anything from calling a friend to getting out of bed. "It" in this case was my desire to start a new business doing NVC training and consulting. I was sitting in a workshop about "How to Start and Manage a Business" when I heard these quiet, but pointed thoughts. I was back in jail! I decided to send my Internal Giraffe into the cell with a full tank of empathy in order to get me out.

Here's the dialogue that ensued:

Certainty Jackal (CJ): This won't work. It's just too much. I can't do this.

Internal Giraffe (IG): Are you scared because you want confidence that you can create a business?

CJ: Yes, I want assurity that I can succeed. I want to know for sure that it will work. I don't like all this doubt.

IG: I hear that you want stability and confidence.

CJ (digging in): No, I want assurance of success.

IG (in honesty): I feel scared when I hear that because I don't believe assurance exists. I want to be "ok" living with some uncertainty. The "mystery" is where I want to put myself. In the "mystery" is the potential for growth and "magic". Does that make sense?

CJ (now doning giraffe ears): Are you feeling excited because you want growth and learning and that means confronting the unknown?

IG: Yes, moving into risk and the unknown is where I want to be. This is where the "life" is! This is where I want to be. This is where creation is.

CJ (remaining in empathy): I hear that you are innervated by the idea of being "in" the place or risk and confronting it.

IG: Yes, creation happens in the space of the unknown! This is where I want to put myself. The magic can occur here. I don't want to live life only where I know I can succeed. This isn't living!

CJ: I hear that you want growth and clarity and challenge and novelty. You're not interested in certainty!

IG: Yes, thanks for the connection.

My attention went back to the workshop. I was relieved and excited to explore new options to meet my needs. (As an aside: I'm intrigued that the jackal was able to go into empathy so quickly. I think this is evidence of the internal stability that I am developing.)

In the evening, the "Certainty Jackal" raised its "ugly" head during a conversation with my brother. He was expressing a need for reassurance and clarity about a project I was working on that involved accessing a resource he and I shared. I felt uncomfortable with his words but I had difficulty connecting with the needs that weren't met. Today I reflected on the conversation and I had an insight. Here is an excerpt from an email I sent my brother today about what I discovered:

Insight: Don’t “throw the wisdom out with the ‘shame-water.’ Your desire for clarity and reassurance reminded me of what I tell myself. The part of me that I am just learning to connect with (the shame or the inner-child) has ALWAYS said (about all sorts of things I want to do): “Don’t do it”, “It’s too risky”, “Don’t MOVE”, and “You must be CERTAIN of success before you act!” This energy is what has kept me stuck! I felt a sense of discomfort in hearing your words because I don’t like these messages (I’m tired of inaction!), I want to feel free to do what I think is best, and I want to move away from this energy by channeling my “pent-up” energy into action doing something. The “something” I’ve focused on is starting a business.

I see that your desire for reassurance and clarity (and my internal desire to meet these needs) is valid! I want to be able to honor those messages without the fear that doing so will get me stuck again!!!

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Reflections:

• I want to honor the needs of the "Certainty Jackal" without agreeing with his judgments. This process converts him into a "giraffe" that only wants to contribute to my well-being.


• The needs that the "Certainty Jackal" wants to meet are safety, self-protection, and security. These needs are very important to my well-being. I want to stay connected to them.


• In connecting with that energy and transforming the judgment energy into "need-energy", I touched the wisdom this jackal wants me to have.


• I'm celebrating my sense that this process honors my need for self-acceptance. It gives me confidence that I can learn from all parts of me -- especially from the parts of me that I haven't honored in the past.